(tl;dr—life over the past year, i’m popping off of social media for Reasons, so message me within 24h if you need my post-France number)
many things have broken down over the past few months, one of which (& of little importance, except perhaps to me) is my habit of writing a sort of letter to myself for my birthday—a way to reflect on the last year, how i’ve struggled, how i’ve grown.
here it is—weeks late.
Dear Libby,
You made it to 21! & like almost everything else, it wasn’t at all what you’d expected. But then, that was really the theme of this last year for you, wasn’t it? Summer of work, then Switzerland, then Paris—both good, both hard—then spring semester cut short & coasting into & past your birthday. From almost-WW3 to COVID to murder & rioting & injustice & fire &—
You’re anxious right now, when you’re not breathing & praying. You’re hopeful, looking back on the past year, how much you’ve grown & learned & changed, are changing—
2020 is a watershed year, i think. i pray. dear Lord, i pray. but that growth is hard. it’s heavy. you’re going to be okay. but you’re going to have to keep growing & stretching. think deeply. write slowly. & pray constantly.
love you, Libby.
that all being said, i’m popping off of instagram for a while. i often do this dirions the summer, anyway, but especially right now, given my summer project & the black hole social media is for me right now, i’ll be signing off for a few months. if you need me, text me or... idk. facebook messenger ? you have 24 hours to message me for my number, otherwise. i did change it once i got back from France.
peace, all. bisous !
[long post, probably worth reading? tl;dr i’m getting old & everything is chaotic & my brain doesn’t buy it.] various moments from the last week or so. i’ve completed my junior year, which means i’m a senior—neither of those statements feels true, even though they are.
honestly, though, the same can be said for COVID-19 and quarantine. i’ve had a lovely quarantine group for these last almost 8 weeks (yes, a group. we basically live together and behave ourselves. fear not.) between those lovely people & the continuation of school, i was both aware and unaware of the pandemic. it mostly narrowed down my study spaces & added an extra layer of anxiety to my life... but now school is done & people are going home & time is spread open. my summer research is beginning. & i’m grieving the pandemic all over again...& i say this not as a cry for help—i’m safe & still very well off, praise the Lord—but as... permission for grieve again. transition is hard, always. & reality doesn’t feel real right now anyways, let alone with the other strange changes like getting older & closer to “true” adulthood.
but time continues on. i’m reshuffling my feet & trying to keep up with it, or at least slow down enough to pay attention to it. (that’s the harder thing.) this is the closest i’ve gotten to reflecting one the really weird academic year i’ve had... i keep forgetting Paris and COVID belong to the same chunk of time.
Lord have mercy on us all. i need to go sit in a field somewhere & pray the allergies i think i’m developing are only to trees & not grass, too. ttfn.
today, i am filled with gratitude.
that i live in a place where i can still leave my house. that i am healthy. that i can work. that the sun is shining. that i have wonderful & generous friends & family. that i have excellent reading material. that i will be working with some wonderful people (Lord-willing) in the fall. that i am not afraid to plan. that i am learning to let plans go.
today was the first sabbath day i’ve taken this semester. i have so much to do. it’s overwhelming. but i said “no, today you rest.” & i did in the sun with my books & my homemade latte on a blanket i borrowed from my new, short-term roommate @canabuckley & just—was. & it was good. i forgot how important it is to intentionally rest, to not feel guilty about or like i’m wasting time by simply being. Lord have mercy. praise be to God.
gratitude is such an important practice, especially during this time. joy is often something that we are given when we pause & look for it. take a moment & pause—tell me (or at least yourself! but please do comment) what you’re grateful for right now. & actually sit with it—not just “oh thank goodness i have food right now” but “i have food. i am okay.” let that soak into your bones. may it bring you peace.
#gratitude #mindfulness
