this is a photo from a couple of days ago. it is rather late here and this may be more unedited drivel than anything else, but that’s okay. i am choosing to be present rather than perfect.
i just finished an episode of the Makers and Mystics podcast called “A Theology of Art with David a Taylor.” it was glorious & if you love art and/or theology, i’d recommend giving it a listen. but the thing that just touched me so deeply about it—although everything was just a warm towel on the back of your neck after a long day—was his advice to Christian artists to, above all, love their audience. this is not related to whether or not they actually know their audience. it’s about creating as an act of love—as we ourselves we created.
i’ve been Making this last week, & not just writing. i love writing but it’s rarely a tangible form of creation. only sometimes do i see the physical evidence of what i’ve made—& it can be hard when even as a finished product, you’re dealing with something rather abstract and intangible.
but this week—or last week, i suppose—i took up once more my favorite autumnal & winter pastime: knitting. this is not a very Parisian thing to do, but i am doing it because i love it. right now, i’m making a scarf. it is a monster of a scarf; i think it’s almost as long as i am tall, & nowhere near done. i’ve never successfully made a scarf before because it takes so long and i don’t have the patience, but God’s been teaching me patience since I left the States so i’m trying again. & it’s been cool to see how he’s been using that. so as i step back into art & settle into this city with which i am making my peace—although i don’t know i’ll ever truly make my peace with her—i’m breathing. mom asked me the other day if the USA countdown has begun.
i told her no. not because i’m not looking forward to returning home, but because i want to be present to what is happening here in this city where i have been placed. i sit with my knitting in the morning and watch the light open its eyes behind Val-de-Grace and do my best to be present and be still. because i’m not the creator here. because i’m trying to listen to what’s being said & where i’m supposed to be loving
hello! here are some pieces of Paris that i picked for you. i hope you like them.
this city has finally realized that autumn has fallen and there are a few trees who have started their home fires; most decided to let their branches rust, instead—from disuse, i imagine. but i walked my usual paths this afternoon and found the brave few who took to their duty and are the lovelier for it.
but is this not october?? and look, mom @tiffanyannkerns ! your favorite flowers are all about the jardin de luxembourg! i couldn’t send you any because you’re rather far away, so picture 3 is for you instead :)
it’s funny that today is halloween. i saw two little girls in costumes walking around the jardin ; they were gathering the discarded flames of the bravest trees. that’s better than trick-or-treating, i suppose—far sweeter.
and then the park closed because daylight savings is upon us and so i went to saint-sulpice with my new candle on my leg and lit a little fire of my own in front of the sacred heart... i will go back tomorrow, before or after (or perhaps before and after??) i visit the cemetery because tomorrow is Toussaint and that church is properly dark with the clouds as they are. a girl can properly grieve there—the deaths of others and the life she’s already afraid of wasting. yes, october has arrived just as it ends and my mood has shifted to the lovely melancholy of fall. if i can keep my head above the water, it is my favorite time of year. i can listen to sad music and burn candles and write emo poetry and it makes much more sense than the middle of summer when all is heat and light and bass.
this might be half an emo poem right here—although malformed and chaotic. ah, well. i have been learning many things that are not strictly academic and that is the way it is.
what a lovely place to be in love. what a lovely place to wish you were. what a lovely place to grieve that you are not. what a lovely place to wonder what you will be.
#spilledink #paris #authentic
i visited Versailles this weekend, which was really cool, but my favorite part wasn’t the ornate interior of the major château—which, if i’m being honest, i didn’t spend all that much time in. no, i much preferred wandering around Grand Trianon and Petit Trianon—and their exteriors, not their interiors.
the simpler, the lovelier.
if you swipe, there’s an excerpt from my journal entry this morning. if i was to text God... well, voila. plot twist: i’m not just learning French in Europe. @gfu_abroad
[🗣 long post but please please please read to the end]
for the second time this week, i slept through my alarms & woke up late. yesterday, i got to class with plenty of time & it was fine. today, however, i didn’t just wake up late—i woke up anxious. i skipped Ecclesiastes (which i’ve been reading through and really enjoy, but it wasn’t a morning for existential discussion) & went straight to my morning psalm—which was psalm 56.
do you ever read anything and just... don’t process it? me, this morning, at 9am.
by the time i finally managed to get moving, i was due to be late for class & my prof terrifies me, so i decided that phonetics (which, frankly, i love) was not on the docket for me today. instead, i took the time to look presentable and then, journal tucked among my schoolbooks, i headed to one my favorite cafes for a café au lait & a little journaling time.
psalm 56 echoed a lot more the second time around.
i love Paris. i can say it now & not lie, which is great. (do i want to live here forever? no. but am i enjoying my time here? yes.) but you can be in one of the most beautiful cities in the world & still wake up feeling anxious & sad. & that’s okay.
to be honest, i’m not entirely sure where i’m going with this besides the fact that i’m learning a lot about patience & grace & compassion & those aren’t things you just direct at other people; you’ve got to give them to yourself, too. or, more exactly, you have to accept them from their Source. Love is like that. and looking for the evidence of that Love—that helps a lot too. 🗣 do me a favor: comment something that you’re thankful for today. i’ll start: “i’m thankful for good coffee and family that’s looking out for me from the other side of the world.” #authentic
i stumbled across this picture while doing some research for a presentation i’m giving this week on my family’s ranching history (!!) &—
i’m really enjoying living in Paris. it’s not always easy, but i’m at a point where i can honestly, 100% say that. praise be to God.
but every once in a while, i do miss home. i miss the northwest. i miss forests & mountains & wilderness (& my family). (i’m debating whether or not to go to Germany, just to get a taste of the woods again... & also, y’know. la patrimoine.)
i guess all that’s to say—bisous à l’Oregon while i lounge in Paris. the mountains will be waiting when i return.
for the first time in a long time, my hair is long enough to be completely pulled back. & that, combined with the effects of nuit blanche, an evening where all paris is open and full of music—well, i went to an art museum and i’ve written more beginnings in the past few days then i have in a while.
it’s exciting.
my mom and sister visited my earlier this week—i spent last weekend with them + my dad + his students in London (pictures from that tomorrow)—and it was really hard to say goodbye.
in fact, it was the first time i’d cried since coming to paris.
but emotional constipation has the same effect as regular constipation: it stops up everything else, too. letting out those tears mean making space for other things. beautiful things.
hard things are just that—hard things. and, i don’t know—accepting them for what they are, adjusting expectations to reality (but always leaving space for beauty and growth)—
that’s important. that’s what i’m learning right now, among other things.
so here’s my artist’s portrait. this gal, here? she’s got a lot to say. (also, i’ve been watching Anne with an E and like. kindred spirit, bro. an inspiration.)
#authentic #longpost #artist
swipe through for the love story !!! 💕
honestly, though—i was so happy in these photos. a little retail therapy, a little sugar, a beautiful city, & a friend !! who takes cute photos !! thanks @chenjiexhd ♥️) what more can a girl ask for?
these are the things that make paris so lovely, right? not the city itself, but the movement it invites.
now to learn its rhythm. we’re getting there, folks.
#authenticself #parisfood
